Edi-Rae woke up okay, the lump an her head actually went down a fair bit thank god. Today was such a good day. I think having a rest day helped me cope with parenthood so much better and the kids could obviously feel that because they also were so happy. We had swimming lessons and then went to do the groceries. Paddy then had a daycare friend over which was so nice and it was so nice for me to chat with his mum. I love meeting new people, it’s something I find so much joy in. I definitely need to try and do it a bit more.
Edi-Rae and Paddy have been on different sleep schedules for so long now and it’s becoming quite stressful now because there is always one awake at all times. It used to be okay when Edi was smaller but now she is in to everything and wants me to hold her if she isn’t in to everything so I get nothing done around the house (and it’s stuff that needs to be done, not stuff that can wait). So I decided to give her a tiny catnap in the morning so she could have one long sleep in the middle of the day at the same time as Paddy and omg it was life changing. Having 1.5 hours kid free to do housework made such a massive difference to my day and stress levels. There was no one yelling at me. Dinner was prepped. The house was tidy. The breakfast mess was mopped up off the floor. I was able to go to the toilet in peace and have a moment to breathe.
Nicks mum came to visit once they woke up too. We all love a visit from Gran. Then Nick got home right on dinner time (of course right). Then it was bath time and then I had my monthly psychologist appointment which I find so beneficial. I started with this psychologist when I was in a really bad place. I couldn’t work out if I was sane, insane, what was real, who I was… I was just lost and so full of self doubt. I knew I was a good person but I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough and if anything went wrong I would straight away just blame myself. My psychologist did timeline therapy with me and it has changed my whole life. I have a clear head. I know who I am. I know what is real. I know that I am doing the best I can. I know I am human and can make mistakes and I know that it’s okay to make mistakes. There should be no shame about needing help, not being okay or making mistakes. Although I’m so much better and the self loathing, depression and anxiety is gone I still like to touch base with her just to chat about anything I’m feeling in terms of anything that is going on. I gained so much clarity in today’s session about a situation that happened almost a year ago now which I haven’t been able to process completely. So I’m feeling really light in terms of having some direction with what I need to do for closure. Sometimes you just need an outsider to help you make sense of things. Someone that isn’t emotionally invested. Also this has nothing to do with Nick, it’s a family thing. Family always seem to be the ones that hurt me the most. Why is that? It’s like they feel like there are no boundaries in place and they can just treat you how they want. Well maybe that was how it was for a long time with me because I didn’t have boundaries. But now I do. Which it seems many people don’t like…